Hope

It has been some months since my last post. I realised it takes me a lot of time and effort to update my blog!

Faith, hope and love are the three most valued virtues to have in the Catholic tradition. In these past few months, I am more aware that God has given me a special gift of faith. I often feel drawn to spending time in silence in a church's prayer room or to go for an occasional weekday mass.

And a capacity to love too, especially after Ben's death. I know that Ben has opened my heart to be loved and to love in a romantic way. Many have reminded me that this love will not die, but lives on. I realised too that this love is meant to grow and to be shared with others.

Well, about hope-that is a tough one for me. I feel that I have been more of a pessimist than optimist as I am aware that I send lots of negative messages to myself e.g. Karen can't do this, she can't do that because she is not good enough. (Good enough for who, I wonder? :-) Probably for myself.)

From the Bible, St Paul's Letter to the Romans, Chapter 5: 3-5

Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us.

These verses really helped me these past months to continue living my life. These months have been especially tough at work too. I told God- "So this is great. You take away the love of my life and now it is so darn tough and stressful at work. What else is coming?" On hindsight, keeping focused at work has helped me sharpen my communication skills and other areas which I always have wanted to grow in.

One of the more exciting activities that I participated in is a church art exhibition in October. It was such a wonderful experience helping to plan it, getting my art pieces ready and meeting friends and artists. Recently, I found out that one of Ben's closest buddy went too without telling me and I was elated. The support has been overwhelming! I am truly blessed and grateful. :-)

Some of my girlfriends gave me a beautiful bouquet of flowers at the exhibition opening! I was thrilled! I remembered telling God after Ben's death- I do not think I will receive flowers like that anymore as he gave me a beautiful bouquet of roses this Valentine's Day.

(Thank you dear sisters! You made my day with the flowers and your beautiful presence!)

 And I got more flowers- roses too! 

Here is a photo from Ben's blog which reminds me about hope. A dear friend reminded me that Ben's purpose and mission on this earth is completed and that he taught me all he needed in this short time. I know he still speaks to me in surprising ways and I feel his spirit ever closer to me now than before.

I was reminded of this photo on his blog a few days back as I was sitting in a taxi and saw the words etched in its rear mirror. I am still wondering if that's Ben's hand. :-P Looks like to me. :-)

 

Taken from http://sandboxtests.blogspot.com/2010/02/blog-post.html

"One must be able to differentiate between hope and expectation: for hope is never disappointed, and ever self-renewing; expectation, on the other hand, demands fulfillment, or else despairs. 

For hope we were saved . . .. [H]ope that is seen is not hope . . . [I]f we hope for what we do not see, we wait for it with patience" (Rom. 8:24-5)"

From: http://pedaldamnit.blogspot.com/2006/05/el-retiro-san-inigo-ride.html


I pray for more hope and peace in my life.

And especially for those who are experiencing difficult moments due to the sudden loss of a loved one. 

On Love

Ad, the fun, crazy & babelicious bride!

I went for Adel & Bran's wedding on 12th June. I did not know how I would feel, but the wedding mass was a healing experience for me. Thanks both, for choosing this beautiful first reading and I like the version very much!

( Ad, thanks for your love, prayers and friendship. Despite your crazy schedule of wedding preparations and hospital relocation, you managed to get the funeral choir together and chill out with me at your pool before your big day. Thanks babe, I love you!)

Taken from the Holy Bible 1 Corinthians 13:4-8

"Love is patient and kind;

Love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude.

It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing,

but rejoices with truth.

It always protects, always trusts, always hope, always perseveres.

Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.

Love NEVER ends. "

Some of these verses taught me to be patient with Ben at the start of our relationship. We had 2 fights, which I picked of course, :p about him not having a handphone. It was pretty frustrating not being able to reach my boyfriend.

Well, during the week of the wake, his JC friend revealed to me that Ben was asking him about handphone plans and contracts!

This longtime friend of his asked me- "Karen, what did you do??? I have been trying to convince him for years!"

I told him- "Nothing really. Realised that I prayed for patience and just be patient as we have such differing opinions over a handphone. I saw no point in trying to change him."

I know I just had to wait.

And move on with my life now. That's what many people are telling me to do.

What does moving on really mean?

For me, it is taking one day at a time and not plan ahead and worry too much anymore.

And to remind myself to take one day at a time and to be happy.

What makes me really happy now?

Just soaking in nature. Just a couple of weeks back, I met my other hiking buddy at MacRitchie. That day, she had to leave earlier, so I continued my walk alone.

My hike was "interrupted" by at least 3 butteflies and a few monkeys. It felt like one of the butterflies stopped for the longest time to allow me to admire its beauty, until another hiker zoomed past and it flew away. Also,there was this family of monkeys and I saw 2 monkeys picking stuff off each other's back. That scene was endearing & funny.

And being grateful has helped me too and let each new day surprise me.

I know that when I moan and groan about how difficult my life is, I will try to reflect on the happenings of the day and be grateful for the many things that have gone on well.

Almost every other day since Ben's passing, whenever there is a difficult moment, I recall a random sms, email, blog, phonecall, verse, book, advertisement, gift, chance meeting with someone will help lift my spirits.

It is pretty amazing to me that I am not alone in this difficult time, as I imagine it to be. I really thank all my family, friends acquaintances and even strangers who remember.

Here is something beautiful a stranger that I met only at the wake sent me on 8th June, another important date for Ben and I. It is not the first note and I am truly grateful for his thoughtfulness.

"Goodness without falseness or pretence nurtured the love between Thev (a name) and his wife.

As their goodness and love grew, so did their appreciation of the wonder and mystery of life. Their hearts expanded until their love for each other disappeared.

In saying this, I do not mean they no longer loved each other. Rather, they loved each other so much that if one were to die, the other would go on living normally, for their love was stronger than death."

Something else touched me from a book about a woman who suddenly lost her husband.

"Who will ever love me like that again? I know the answer. Somewhere deep inside, I believe I was meant to love myself the way Richard loved me- with unconditional acceptance.

There were still nights when I lay awake in our bed, touching our India coverlet and thought maybe it is enough to be loved like that once in a lifetime.

And yet the idea that I might live the rest of my life alone remains one of my greatest fears.

What I am continuing to discover is that I was never alone, because I have me."

( Taken from Heartbroken Open- A memoir through loss to self-discovery by Kristine Carlson )

Dearest darling,

I wonder where are you now? I hope you are well.

I do feel sad and angry that I am sending flowers to your grave while I see some of my girlfriends choosing flowers for their wedding. It is unfair!

I have learnt so much in these past months. That life is so uncertain. You always lived with so much patience and generosity for others, not just for me. I don't know how you do it, but I want to learn too.

Thank you for teaching me not to judge people too quickly- you listened and are open to people with different opinions.  

Thank you for loving me the way you do. I remember that night at the quarry with the stars, the fish in the waters and sound of crickets. It was truly magical- felt that God created that just for us and time just stood still.

I miss your prescence and embrace.

I miss our morning rides, our night hikes, our arthouse film outings, concert outings, our sharing of meals, patting and playing with all the dogs that crossed our paths, our conversations and your emails and blog entries about us.

I miss you comforting me and wiping every tear from my eyes that night at Yishun dam. You were just present to me and accepting that vulnerable side of me.

I miss you and love you, darling.

Yours, karen

On Anger and Angels

On 4th June, Ben and I would have celebrated our 3rd month anniversary.

I would be lying if I said that I do not feel angry. And most angry with God. On the first day of his wake, I remembered that I felt so angry, but I just had to put my feelings aside to ensure that things ran smoothly till the end of the funeral proceedings.

Anger is one of the stages of the grieving process, that I learnt from numerous books and workshops. What do I do with this anger, I am now discovering. What I recall doing in these past months include:

- Walking out of church, swearing at God and crying in frustration on different occasions. It is so hard to go for mass and not finding Ben physically beside me as we used to go together.

- Wanting to punch the office lift door down!

- Wanting to scream at the top of my lungs.

- Wanting to break every single plate in the house.

- Going to the gym for lots of spinning classes as I am currently disallowed from cycling on the road. :(

Most of the time, my anger turned inwards, so I cried a lot. I never knew I had so much tears and I always disliked crying, especially in public. Examples include church, on the bus on the way to work, in the office etc. The floodgates of tears opened.

( Joe, Ben's brother suggested to me to eat lots of wasabi for anger management- I have not tried that, bro. :-p)

In these past months too, some wise friends have told me Ben is now my angel.

Honestly, I never believed in the existence of angels.

Many religions and faiths believe that angels are messengers of God and are spiritual beings. I am slowly believing and accepting that Ben has become a spirit and is present everywhere has helped me tremendously to deal with my anger and blame.

I do believe that he has sent me messages through deep spiritual experiences to bring me healing and comfort. And, of course through art!

Jessie, Ben's sister made this for me some time ago! And I only received it on 17th May which is Ben's birthday. Not a coincidence. Thank you, dear sister! I love it! :-)

Made from Swarovski crystals.

( The camera cannot capture the real beauty of this angel! )

Dedicated to Ben's family

I used soft pastels for this piece. It is one of my favourite mediums as I am a more of a tactile artist as I use the pastels directly on the canvas rather than a paintbrush.

Just before painting this piece, I painted a couple, that is Ben and I. Once again, I did not intend to paint an angel after my first piece. If you notice, there are four hearts on the top right hand corner and I subconsciously added two more hearts after painting only two at first. This piece is specially dedicated to Uncle, Auntie, Joe and Jessie.

     Dedicated to EarthGoddess

I painted the above recently as I wanted the first image to be transferred on canvas using acrylic so that the art can be kept longer. As I painted, I wanted to use more gold colour, rather than the original colours. Plus the heart now radiates golden rays.

Now I know why-my newfound friend, EarthGoddess ( just for the record, she is 100% human and an angel lover) emailed me a few days later to say that she felt that Ben's angelic spirit is golden, like evening sunlight golden in colour. Wow! All this is pretty amazing to me.

My anger is real and so are angels. :-)

I love you, Ben, my angel. I miss you and please help me to continue to listen to the messages you are sending me.

Thank you for your love. I know you are still loving me. Help me to believe that your love for me is real every moment and will blossom for the rest of my days till we meet in heaven.

Your love, karen

Art

All that I desire to point out is the general principle

that life imitates art far more than art imitates life.

Oscar Wilde

Recently, I recalled my playwright/director friend whom I have known since I was 16 asked me this a long time ago- "So, Karen, do you think does art imitate life or does life imitate art?"

I never really answered the question.

I go to an open art studio called Heartspace at Church of St Mary's of the Angels http://www.stmary.sg/ occasionally, but I have been going more regularly since November 2009.

Here is something I painted on 27th Feb 2010 entitled "Love".

While I was painting this, my idea was to paint myself sitting in a lotus position and being still.

As usual with art, the hand paints where the heart truly desires, I started painting 2 people in close embrace. The colours of the background are vivid as I felt that that love is vibrant, powerful and full of colour, somewhat like fireworks.

At that time, I shared with the group that this picture is about me and my boyfriend.

One lady commented amidst the fireworks and chaos of the colours, there is a sense of peace as the 2 people are in close embrace.

Ben

Siddhartha Gautama was the spiritual leader who founded Buddhism.


In most Buddhist traditions, he is regarded as the supreme Buddha and "Buddha" means "enlightened one".


It is said that he sat under a bodhi tree for 48 days and received Enlightenment and as a result, Buddhism is founded.


( Source: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Number_48)


I hope to receive some enlightenment at this time of my life. I know this enlightenment process has already begun with the love, prayers, support and friendship of family, friends and strangers.


I am starting this blog to celebrate 48 days of a beautiful, wonderful and loving relationship with a guy called Ben.


He was my boyfriend.


He died suddenly on 24 March 2010. Here is his memorial website ( http://www.benmokpedalon.com/ )


This is the one and only photo we took as a couple as we went on a off road hike together on 28 Feb 2010 called Gangsa trail at the back of the Bukit Panjang estate.


He was a wonderful photographer with a good eye for detail. And I am usually camera-shy.

Ben wanted to take a solo picture of me. I said, "Hey, your arm is long enough. Let's take one together!" So, he did. I am glad I asked.

 

Tranquility  

Low branches, probably too low for his 1.87m frame.

I was being playful by tilting my head. And I thought Ben "photoshopped" this photo! How he managed to capture my sponteneity just amazed me.

Looking backwards...

It is almost the end of the trail...I think. I am hopeless at directions so Ben was always navigating.

Dearest darling Ben,

Thank you for all the hikes and off road trails you brought me to in these past 2 years. It was always fun with you as you pointed out the various flora and fauna in the forest. Your knowledge and observations of nature helped increase my own knowledge & made our hikes interesting. You will always be my best nature guide and hiking buddy.

I know you are still loving me, every moment now, although you are not physically present with me. Someone reminded me a few days ago- "Love is stronger than death". I truly believe it is.

I know I will be lost in the trails without you.

Thank you for giving me almost 2 years of friendship and 48 days of romantic love which I know I will not experience with anyone again.

Thank you for loving & accepting me for who I am.

I miss you and I love you so much!

Always your baby, karen